Shinji Versus
by Hyperion1
Summary: Blasphemic insane stupidity continues in Round Two - Shinji vs. The Wall, as Shinji dons battle armor and embarks on a crusade to liberate his school from the nefarious Professor Oak.
1. Round 1: Shinji vs The Penguin

Disclaimer: Do I look like someone who owns Evangelion? No? Then why do I have to write this?  
  
(Gets IP-traced, sued, and beaten the hell out of by a bunch of security people in black suits.)  
  
Okay, okay, uncle. I don't own the subject in question, and I don't even want to. I only own this horrible, revolting, disgusting, OOC trashfic which is a parody to another fic posessing more or less the same qualities - "Tokyo 3 Annihillated", by Ultima Havoc.   
  
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SHINJI VERSUS  
  
Round one: Shinji versus The Penguin.  
  
FIGHT!  
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It was yet another bright summer day in the city that so many of us have grown to love and hate. Cicadas were merrily chirping, birds were merrily devouring the insects who were stupid enough to have their presence disclosed, and somewhere in the background a lone crop duster was merrily trying to collide with an office skyscraper, and yet the building graciously dodged every attack of the unfortunate kamikaze.   
  
In other words, all was right with the world. And that means that one Japanese teenager, part-time student, part-time savior of the world, and full-fledged hentai baka, was pissed. And royally so.  
  
Not only because one of his girlfirends ended up having to detonate herself to avoid his valiant attempts at making her succumb to his perverted desires.  
Not only because another one of his girlfriends broke up with him and reduced his wardrobe, his year supply of gonzo-sized industrial strength condoms, his favorite "Roast in the Shell" action figure featuring Moosucko Kutthebullshit wearing a gun holster and little else, his PS9 and even the limited edition "New Game. Same Buhahamut." Phinal Phantasy Phorever LXIV poster to smoldering heap of ashes with her fiery tantrum.  
Not only because a few days ago he got a proof that not only the church officials are gay, but angels themselves are as well.  
  
Because there should be no excuse for waking up hungry and with a full bladder to see his guardian already gone, the fridge empty, and the toilet occupied - and occupied by no one else than a penguin.  
  
Such violation of the most basic human rights was clearly against the United States Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, and nearly every other written law other than Murphy's.  
  
Such devious trickery could only trigger a single response in Shinji's tortured mind:  
  
This Means War. WAR. War (Noun): Open conflict between rivaling factions resulting in numerous casualties and mass destruction.  
  
As Shinji picked up the cell phone and dialed a number in the United States that only was known to a few people, such as the President of the United States and a nymphomaniac White House intern (part-time Israeli spy), a booming voice with a heavy Trademark Politically Correct Afro-American accent spoke:  
  
"Wussup, man!"  
  
"Greetings, Sir. I am Shinji Ikari, you should remember me from USA-Japan joint military operation Dusty Bottoms, when my Evangelion subdued Saddam's troopers. I would like to ask a favor of you..."  
  
"Waht yuo saaaay?"  
  
Upon hearing such response, Shinji understood that when speaking with United States Special Forces Colonel Homer O. J. Simpson, it would be best to throw the mannerisms aside and get strictly to the point.  
  
"Ahem. Yo, soldier man! Me be Shin "Da Prick" Ikari. Me dad OWNS ya. Me has bad rastas on me butt and me needs best shit ya got. No tanks or bombz or nuthin', just good honest manly stuff dat looks good on me."  
  
Within minutes, a loud banging was heard. Shinji opened the apartment's door, only to reveal a young female elf (Looking not even a day older than three hundred years) wearing a dragonscale miniskirt and chain armor top, accompanied by an unshaven muscular brute wearing a Pelvis Wrestley "Born to be King" T-Shirt who was hauling a large, camouflage-colored crate labeled "Top secret army junk. Don't open or we'll court martial your commie ass." up the stairs. Clutching a motorbike helmet with special slits for long pointy ears, the elf asked for delivery payment.  
  
"Of course", replied Shinji in perfect Commonji. "You have earned 2,500 experience points, and, as a tip for quick delivery, your alignment rose by ten points."  
  
As the elf and her unshaven companion left, grumbling something about "boring FedEx quests", "expansion packs" and "harpy ooze", Shinji hauled the box into the apartment and heroically tore the lid off with his bare hands, only to discover a barely alive Rei Ayanami with a loving look in her tearful eyes...  
  
Sorry, wrong fic.  
  
The crate was filled to the brim. A number of glistening handguns, a combat shotgun, a sniper rifle, a couple of his favorite Magnums, more firearms, a squidload of grenades, satchel charges, more firearms, a portable rocket launcher, a kevlar vest, kevlar underpants and kevlar sweatproof socks, a Geiger counter, a weird flask labeled with the number "13", ammo boxes, and more firearms.  
  
"No thanks, I'm not a munchkin", thought Shinji, tossing a suit of T-51b Powered Armor aside to reveal a particularly nasty contraption, a rusty Soviet chainsaw.  
  
As Shinji began changing into combat uniform and carefully disguising his face with paint (to be able to pass for an avid soccer fan), the theme music from The Terminator 2 was playing on the background, apparently coming from nowhere. However, the music quickly changed into something much more appropriate and classical when Shinji fired a warning shot from an AK-74 into the ceiling. As the scream of some unlucky peep upstairs subsided, a transparent counter (Laconically labeled "Frags") in the corner of Shinji's field of vision, to the right of the health and ammo count, changed from zero to one.  
  
Fully armed and armored, using heaps of beer cans for camouflage, Shinji silently (or so he thought) crawled towards the still-occupied restroom, where a sentient bird shook with primal fear, pondering if its best bet would be to take the toilet bowl hostage or just hope that its feathers blended well with the "Ball Street Journal" it was reading. Shinji possessed an assortment of firearms and explosives, while Pun-Pun, er, Pen-Pen, only had a roll of toilet paper as his last defense.  
  
However, with both of them understanding the uselessness of wholesale distribution of both ammo and toilet paper, they both have simultaneously reached a conclusion to fight hand-to-flipper. After a few rounds of Muay Thai Kickboxing with the stoic penguin, Shinji decided to bring an end to the farce.  
  
The music played in the background quickly switched from "Use the Corpse, Puke" by a BDSM (British Deadly Satanist Metal) band appropriately named Dead Goner's Killed Body, to "The Flight of The Valkyries", this time without having to be reminded. And as Shinji mersilessly decapitated the bird with a commando knife, devoured it whole in a fashion that could make Evangelion Unit 01 proud of its dinner manners, and finally relieved his bladder, a scream of victory was heard from the Katsuragi apartment.  
  
Something very much akin to "There can be only one!".  
  
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Coming soon:  
  
SHINJI VERSUS  
  
Round two: Shinji versus The Wall. 


	2. Round 2: Shinji vs The Wall

Disclaimer: See chapter one. In case someone wonders, no, I don't own any of the blatantly parodised works of fiction, be it anime or bumper stickers.  
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Why it was him who had to be the next? Not the Drunken Fan Service Provider. Not the Glassed Nazi Beatnik. Not the Redhead Demon Bitch from Hell. Not Dr. Pussycat a.k.a Old Hag Jr. Not even some corrupted politicians, who were added to Shinji's Japanese Casualty Roulette just for kicks. No. It had to be Professor Oak, his classroom tormentor, and a Bad Guy (tm), who was just as tough and as dense as his last name suggested.  
  
And that means that today Shinji had to pay a visit to the same institution he had to visit nearly every day for the past few months. The Machogotcha Junior High. This could only yield one reaction from Shinji's side...  
  
"I should've asked for plastic explosives as well. But then again, a few armor-piercing autocannon rounds will do the job just as nicely. Besides, this story is a cheap Western rip-off, and that would mean that once I dispose of the Bad Guy (tm), his Tower Of Terror (tm) will go big bang for No Apparent Reason (tm)."   
  
And he left the apartment, paying no heed to the ramblings of an old muezzin rapper from the top of the nearby mosque.  
  
"Yo, man. As of today, a state of emergency  
Was declared over Tokai and Chubu districts.  
Don'tcha blame me, blame the authorities -  
They were the ones to get ya in this shit."  
  
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SHINJI VERSUS  
  
Round Two: Shinji versus The Wall.  
  
FIGHT!  
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With combat uniform only emphasizing his manly posture, Shinji gallantly strode through the ruins of a recently destroyed supermarket, trying his best to avoid being squished by the metal feet of a Skull Squadron's Veritech battloid (The marks below the cockpit said "Thick Blunter, Private General"), which was merrily gang-banging a rather unimposing Angel. The Angel's low polygon count and badly textured wings clearly emphasized that by now Heaven was definitely running out of budget. "Perhaps the poor creature only was trying to rob the liquor section to relieve his hard-earned hangover", Shinji thought.  
  
Understanding that the school won't run away from him (Besides, he was going to go postal anyway), Shinji decided to pay a bit of attention to the unfolding spectacle from a safe distance. The Veritech showered the poor Angel with homing missiles, which, however, only aimed themselves onto the nearest source of heat emission and thus crashed into the facade of a nearby striptease-bar, totally missing the intended target. The Veritech pilot had no chance but to utilize his ultimate weapon - a Basara-Haruhara Mark 69 Sonic Guitar.  
  
However, as he tried to brainwash the Angel with Lynn Minmei's newest hit, the pilot realized that the guitar was badly off-key, and the only thing he could probably play with it was the Hymn of North Korea, which surely couldn't convince the Gawd's drunken messenger of the power of truth and love. As the mecha fruitlessly attempted to recalibrate the guitar, the Angel pulled a makeshift celestial banjo out of his toga and unleashed the full power of "Hit me baby, one more time, hallelujah!" onto the poor mecha pilot, shattering windows across the neighborhood.  
  
Needless to say, it was more than enough to activate the Veritech's emergency ejection mechanism (Which carefully monitored the degree of wetness in the pilot uniform's groin region) and to send the pilot flying all the way to Alpha Centauri, screaming something to the extent of "Team Rocket's blasting off again...!".  
  
"Cool." - thought Shinji. "Now that the jock is gone, perhaps I could use his rig. After all, a plain good old mecha is much better than a disgustingly purple sentient demi-cyborg with a tendency to deep-throat, er, suck out your soul, and sometimes to take full bites of it as well."  
  
"Plain good old mecha, my ass. All hail Megatron, leader of the Decepticons." - came a muffled response from the, well, not as plain, not as good, and definitely not as old mecha's side. "Hey, Angie-boy, pass me a crate of Vodka-Cola. I need something to wash my cockpit with."  
  
"Oh crap. I mustn't run away... I mustn't run away..." - Shinji gasped. "...Hell, let's just call it a strategic retreat, shall we?"  
  
The last thing Shinji saw before dashing for the school with an enthusiasm never seen before, were the Angel and the mecha merrily drinking something that stank to high heavens. No wonder, though - they were using trash cans as goblets.   
  
He managed to slip by the school gate unnoticed by anyone but a single guard, whom he easily dispatched by providing him with a...  
  
"Let's see. Shoot head, brain splat." - Shinji mumbled as he took careful aim with a sniper rifle from his comfortable position in a nearby bush.  
  
"CUT! Stop it right now. It's a parody, for god's sake. That's sake, not sake - er, not Japanese traditional rice vodka." - proclaimed a thunderous voice from the nearby sewer crate. "Make *counter-terrorism operation*, not war. Heed my voice, for I am the Author."  
  
"Hey, you're only borrowing me. I belong to Anno Hideaki, and so do all your base."  
  
"Hideaki? The one who made you destroy the world, only to be stuck on a dead planet with Asuka? In my story, you are going to kill all the bad guys, get all the bucks, glory and girls. And if you want, I can arrange all the boys for you as well."  
  
"Anything but that, mastah!" - Shinji squeaked, his face bearing an uncanny resemblance to a Soviet flag.  
  
"Fine. Then just do as I say. Schoolgate scene, take two!" - boomed the Author, while myriads of his impish toadies in charge of the light, the cameras, the bargain special effects, and the spell-checking, were eagerly striving to earn their pay.  
  
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Shinji managed to slip by the school gate unnoticed by anyone but a single guard, whom he easily dispatched by providing him with a freshly stolen issue of Misato's hentai manga. Today it was a yaoi flick, yet, for some rather queer reason, the guard failed to notice.   
  
At school, everything went in a disgustingly usual way. The class was nearly empty, mostly because the majority of its inmates were outside, holding, as you could expect, buckets. Shinji knew well that should he enter the class during the middle of Prof. Oak's lecture, he'd be out in no time, with a pair of heavy buckets to boot. Hence, all he could do was to greet the exiled felons and listen to their stories of crime and punishment.  
  
Toji was trying to pull his usual trick of placing a sleeping mutant electric rodent from the school's biology lab upon the professor's throne of terror. Amazingly enough, when the professor entered the class, he didn't forget to check his chair for the presence of unwanted sources of high voltage. As his rubber-gloved hand grabbed the yellow furry creature's ears, the professor began an unnecessarily gory lecture about mammal anatomy.  
  
Kensuke had failed his history test. Again. Perhaps, writing that each and every important historical event since the days of Tokugawa Shogunate was a cover-up story for failed attempts at world domination by a secret organization called SEELE wasn't such a good idea. Needless to say, pointing a shotgun barrel at the teacher upon receiving the results of the test, and threatening to expose the above mentioned teacher's being an active member of the above-mentioned organization, wasn't a very good idea as well.   
  
Hikari was banished for indecent exposure. Trying to explain that she had to practice being comfortable in a revealing outfit around people because she had to cosplay Sailor Ceres at the Otakon 2015 only got her into more trouble.  
  
Rei - that's Reilia Nobodysdoll Evateammascot Ayanami the Sixty-Fourth, to you - was told that only being released from the clone tank yesterday isn't a sufficient excuse to come without properly done homework. Hence, she was presently standing in a corner and silently contemplating her chances to sue the teacher for intolerance towards racial minorities. Right beside her hands, two water-filled buckets silently floated on thin air, but no one seemed to care. After all, all of those present knew the classic otaku saying: "If there's a psychic nearby and he wants your bike, you'd better give him that bike."   
  
Asuka wasn't present, perhaps because she was afraid of Shinji's revenge for her "break-up gift". Knowing her, right now she'd probably be trying to murder either herself or those unlucky enough to stand in her path in totally unfunny and unoriginal ways.  
  
This situation left Shinji with a single choice, which involved trying to remember whatever he knew of the Soviet Socialist Revolution, using his obvious leadership talents and distributing some of the spare weaponry he brought along.  
  
"Comrades," - Shinji recited a slightly altered edition of the Cruel Lenin's Thesis to the student crowd. "The bourgeois reign of terror is coming to an end. Power to the masses! Let the farmers have the fields! Let the workers have the factories! Let the students have the guns, and let the teachers have the bullets!"  
  
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Several minutes (filled with screams and singing the Pink Floyd's infamous song) after the raging student crowd broke into 2-A, the last defenses of Professor Oak were suppressed, and his human shield (consisting of the only student still listening to the lecture) proved to be unable to defend the Professor from sustained fire of heavy machine guns.  
  
"Any last words?" - Shinji asked the professor, as Toji held the poor victim's arms, Kensuke was weighing down his legs, while Rei and Hikari were using the Professor's enormous belly as a cabaret dancing stage.  
  
"Ikari Shinji," - came a muffled response from below - "I only gave you a C! This is outrageous! The Principal wishes to speak with your parents immediately!"   
  
"For some incomprehensible reason, I strongly doubt that the principal truly desires to be visited by The Sadistic Mystic and The Big Scary Purple Thing." - thought Shinji, driving a pen through Professor Oak's heart, darkened by decades of tormenting innocent students and devouring hi-chol junk food. "That would keep him from respawning until the Fifth Impact."  
  
Suddenly, the professor's skull split into two.  
  
"I thought the author was against too much gore?"  
  
"You're right." - boomed a thunderous voice from the nearby electric outlet. "But I have nothing against amazingly cheap and contrived plot resolutions. Just wait and see."  
  
As the skull slowly opened, it became apparent that this was no regular human skull. Unless, of course, you consider the presence of an organic control cockpit occupied by a nondescript slimy disgusting creature inside someone's skull perfectly normal, in which case, the author begs your pardon.  
  
And then the creature spoke.  
  
"Ssssilly humansssss. You may have beaten my arse, yet there will be many more to come and take over the world of Evangelion. Screw you, assholes. Always wanted to say that in front of the class."  
  
"What are you to threaten us? Angel? Mutant? Maniacal zombie from Mars?"   
  
"Nope" - the agonizing creature showed his best sharkish grin. "I'm a Author-Created, Self-Insertion character. And, as you already know, we always get the best toys. You really should take a look at this ACME Miniaturized N3 Mine."  
  
The digits on the miniature device in the creature's hand set themselves at 00:00:10.  
  
"Uh-oh. How are you gentlemen? Somebody set up us the bomb." - sighed Shinji, only to be interrupted by Toji's oh-so-familiar jaw punch.  
  
00:00:09.  
  
"You! It is because of morons like you this pitiful excuse for a joke survived till 2015!"  
  
00:00:08.  
  
Hikari, being a typical class rep, had no other choice but to intervene. "Order in the court! Shinji, your base are belong to ME. Toji, if you don't like Shinji's lines, go beat the author. Author, no more jokes too lame. Please. Everyone else, this may be a rhetorical question, but what, the male reproductive organ, (Censored by Mr. Author) are you, a bunch of mental patients suffering from contagious disease in terminal stage, (Censored by Mr. Author's hired censor) going to do to get us out of this most excruciatingly, disgustingly, twistedly and pervertedly awful smelling situation (Censored by Mr. Author's hired censor's pet kagouti)?"  
  
00:00:07.  
  
Kensuke raised his hand. "Hey, Shin-man! My dad says that the best tactic in civil defense against weapons of mass destruction is to cover ourselves with white satin sheets and crawl to the nearby cemetery."  
  
"Sorry. Won't do."  
  
00:00:06.  
  
Toji smirked. "Yo, Shinji. I could tinker with a few wires in there and, being the jock I am, I could stop the clock precisely when one second will be left. On the other hand, the author isn't American, so it probably won't work so well."  
  
"To tell the truth, this was even worse than Kensuke's."  
  
00:00:05.  
  
Rei broke the silence. "I could confine the explosion to this building with my AT-field, but that will require me to stay behind and cover your escape. Before any of you voices his or her objections, I would like to clarify a few points. First, such sacrifice is mandatory to fulfill this chapter's melodramatic scene quota. Second, a stunt double will be doing it for me anyway. Third, Shinji only can take my confessions seriously when I am in face of mortal danger. So, Shinji, I, your humble classmate, have an eternal crush on your reverend persona, and in case the German Porn Star will put the honesty of my feelings to the slightest degree of doubt, I'll tell Ritsuko to lock her in the NERV men's bathroom. Do you hear me, Shinji?"  
  
"..."  
  
00:00:03.  
  
Taking into account the fact that the school windows were made of reinforced bullet-resistant glass to contain the inmates inside, Rei's classmates only could have broken it using Toji's head as a battering ram, which they obviously did, because by the end of Rei's tirade, no one was there to hear her affection-craving heart.  
  
00:00:02.  
  
Rei glanced at the readers with her famous puppy-eyes expression so common in "S+R=Ultimate Kawaii Foreva" fan fiction.  
  
"Dying a virgin again. By Lillith, am I underpaid."  
  
00:00:01.  
  
Moments before the Machogotcha Junior High School (along with a few hundred most pitiful excuses for students and educators) went into low orbit, the dying SI invader opened his single eye and made a rude noise, followed by the typical reaction of a low-ranking employee who accidentally happened to screw up the entire business.  
  
"What can I say? Shit happens."  
  
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Coming soon:  
  
SHINJI VERSUS  
Round Three: Shinji versus The Crimson Valkyrie. 


End file.
